As a forewarning, this thread will go deep into my mental state and playing career over the past few years.
Apologies in advanced, I've never been all that talkative so this is new to me. Before my final year of junior hockey eligibility begins, I'm undecided if I even want to continue going in this direction. The past few years have been an enormous mental and physical challenge with very little to show for it. After the 1.5 pointless years in Austin and then the ultimately meaningless time in Sweden and Illinois, I'm starting to come to the conclusion junior hockey just isn't for me. In fact I'm not sure if completive hockey in general is a good decision at this point in my life. As some of you may know, I've had to seek help several times over the past few years to come to terms with the mental toll that a career of my "uniqueness" has had on me. There have been multiple points in time where I posted every piece of equipment I own for sale but taken back down to continue playing at the request of my parents. Never once in the past 3 years have I been asked if I want to continue playing competitively nor have I had much say in whether I play at all. Even after being on a team where I played 5 games in 2 years, getting deported from my only chance of success, and ultimately being cheated out of my final chance at junior A by someone who has no idea how goalies work. Being told by a coach I'm not good enough or not playing well enough in practice when the team is half as fast as my previous team is immensely frustrating. It has rightfully pushed me to my mental limit several times but never once truly over. I'm not sure I'd be here today without my support group and the few of you I reached out to here and for that, thank you.
This has without question been the hardest year I've ever been through and if I'm still not having fun after a month of being on a team this season I'll either hang the skates up completely or play low level college hockey. In full seriousness I do not want to play junior hockey another year because nothing has come from it thus far for me. I am not sure where life will take me after the dust has settled but as long as I play I will remain active here. Ever since I returned from Sweden it felt as if I wasn't playing for myself anymore, it's felt more like I'm playing for my family as a way to justify the time and resources we've put into this. Every ice time and showcase has felt forced since I got back. I know my goal of playing in the AHL or even ECHL has been gone since leaving Sweden and for that reason I can't find a sufficient reason to continue down the path of junior hockey. Explaining this to my family and my advisor will be quite difficult but fingers crossed it goes smoothly. I have been continuing to receive help from my support group and therapist since my season ended in January which has at the very least kept me afloat.
I will try my best to keep this updated and refrain from any further posts from the heart. Thank you.