Mental health spiraling down

[35RoloSmith41]

Hey fellow goalies. So I’ve always loved the position. Played a lot of ball hockey growing up and only switched to ice about 2.5 years ago. I gave myself a crash course by playing probably 300 games and shinny over the past 2.5 years, learning to juggle, getting sense arena, binging in goal magazine as well as getting a goalie coach. I’ve had people tell me I look like I’ve played my whole life which is nice…but…

my mental health is terrible right now. I don’t have confidence, I feel like I’m letting my team down and things seem to be spiraling. I often think about quitting. I’m already signed up for winter season which is like 35 games but my summer season has been bad enough that I don’t want to play winter. 
 

playoff are like 2 weeks away and I want to give it my all but idk what to do. I’d hate to make the wrong decision and have to find another team again but i feel burnt out and feel like im wasting my teams time. 
 

I’ve taken little breaks since this started about 6 months ago. Took a month off but the passion hasn’t come back.  I’ve been having more fun at no pressure shinnys. 
 

buying new gear seemed like a good idea and I love the gear but it didn’t help bring the passion back. 
 

Maybe im just venting but has anyone else gone through this?  Any advice on what I should do? 
im just a beer league goalie but I find the pressure to be too much right now. It’s not like im playing for a job. There’s no backup ready to take my place.  Just feels like too much pressure sometimes being the guy who has to stop the puck since everyone drove to the arena to watch me let in a Couple muffins and lose us the game. 
 

thanks for reading if you got this far. 

Edited July 21, 2023 by 35RoloSmith41
Just wanted to add something

[dreadlocked1]

You gotta take a break.  You're not having fun. You're burnt out.  You're not gonna rediscover your love of the game while being burnt out.  Either skip the end of summer session, or delay or skip your winter session.  I love playing goal, it's about my only thing I do for myself.  Last winter, another goalie got hurt (not goalie related), and this goalie played or subbed for several teams, while I had my own team and sub for other teams here and there as well.  He asked me to fill in for him.   I did what I could, but after two months I was burnt out playing 5-6 games a week and playing like crap.  Not having fun anymore.  It was noticable to other teams that knew I wasn't playing as good as I normally do.  Then I blew my shoulder out shortly after.  It forced me to take a break.  3-4 weeks off and I'm scrambling trying to get back in net and having fun again.  The other goalie came back and I was no longer needed so much.  Life's good again.  Take a break and I hope you find peace.

[Phil1p33]

12 hours ago, 35RoloSmith41 said:

I’ve been having more fun at no pressure shinnys. 

Less leagues, more this.

I was talking to a guy in one of my leagues about a past game where I got lit up and the other team scored 8 goals and his response was "Why do you remember how many goals they scored". That really resonated with me. I do a terrible job of wiping the slate after games and tend to carry the bad ones with me for a while. We're all competitive, we all wanna win, but it takes a team to win. I was holding 92% save losses over my head like it was my fault we only scored 1 goal. You think forwards leave the game thinking about all the shots they put directly into the other goalies chest or you think defensemen stay awake at night thinking about the absolute muffins they fired straight up the middle of the d-zone? As someone who skated out for over 15 years before putting on the pads, no, no they dont and they will absolutely do it again. So why do we feel we need to carry that pressure?

I put the pads away in the beginning of June and started skating out a bit more and hitting the gym as I needed a good break. For whatever reason, getting away from the position just made me love it even more. Played in net for the first time since my break on Wednesday and had an absolute ball. It was just a pickup game but I made a conscious effort to focus more on the good saves I made and the things I could control vs all the other chaos that comes with the position. Hoping to be able to continue this mindset and bring it with me into the fall and winter seasons.

I'm guessing you'll have some free time between end of summer and winter. I'd take that time and focus back on the things that made you love the position. Play more "no pressure" pickups, focus on having fun and making saves, who cares about the goals you let in. Remember, that puck got through 5 other players before you, you're not letting in "muffins" all alone.

[A.YOUNGoalie13]

Take as long of a break as your mind tells you to. If you start to miss it and you want to get back out there then do it. If your break feels great and you don’t really miss playing even when you’re thinking hockey or watching it, etc, then your mind is making another decision for you. Do what your mind decides!

[IpaddyTECH]

Great honest post, I really appreciate it. I'm a goalie first and foremost, but I'm also a counselor. I remember being lit up about 8-9 goals in during a tournament one time and being glad I had a mask on to hide some tears. All I can say is for me, it's all in how I approach the game mentally. For me personally, if I'm constantly looking at the scoreboard and hoping we win, I'm not gonna play well or have fun. I normally play C level beer league also and had a decent season last winter but plenty of really disappointing games (by my judgement, lots of "soft goals", whatever that means.). I just played a pick-up game the other night with some A-B guys and just totally shut them down like it was easier than the C guys. That pick up game really cemented something for me. I've been realizing to play my best, I can't worry about getting scored on, or the score, or even the win (easier to do in a pick up game). I need to get into the moment, watch the puck like a laser, and seriously have fun throwing myself at it to see if I come up with a save. If I don't make the stop, that's part of the game, the offense has talent and a job to do also so it's going to happen. But when I throw everything I have at it without worrying about the W, I almost always have way more fun, and come up with some awesome saves I wouldn't have if I was anxious about losing the game. 

It's hockey. There will always be 1 winner and 1 loser, 50/50. If you make the game about the %50 (ish) times you win, you're spoiling half the pleasure and privilege it is to be in goal. Hockey is so weird, we're playing on a giant sheet of heavily refrigerated water. Super impractical if you think about it, but enough people, beer leaguers and all, love this game so much that we can keep the lights on, all just for a shot at the fun and glory of having a few good moments in a game. Seek those moments, not the W, and hockey comes alive again. 

Also yeah, a break can help, but a new mindset will carry you further. I listen to goaltending podcasts on mental game and find those helpful for what that is worth. Good luck brother, and cheers to you for strapping on the pads. 

P.S. As a counselor I have to say, don't be afraid to seek out some professional help if you ever feel like life just isn't all it could be. Counseling is for everyone, probably especially goalies haha.

[mr_shifty1982]

The question is, is it a personal life type of situation? Or really just hockey?

Take care of yourself first, and the drive will come back. If it's strictly hockey frustration, remember why you started in the first place.  Or, find out why you feel, the way you feel and fix it. 

I started hockey on ice in my late 20s as a goalie, no ice experience prior. It was painful, but after 12 years I'm a pretty solid goalie and love it. I play all year long because I'm scared that one day I won't be able to play again. I'm 41 and in great shape, so I got that. But one day, it will end. 

Fix yourself first, good luck!

[Fullright]

@35RoloSmith41: dont have time at this moment to write you but your courage and honesty tell me you're strong but in a rough spot. My quick 2 cents is please listen to all the posters above. I went through a similar experience and will be happy to share. I think we all have at one time or another. You're not alone.

[CPage]

Hey @35RoloSmith41,

I will chime in here because I’ve been through a few of these low points myself. I will say first that I agree with everyone who has responded to your post so far. So maybe a few additional insights:

1. We PLAY hockey, i.e. it’s supposed to be fun! In my experience, there are indeed external factors that impact this but ultimately it is your own mindset/internal dialogue that will most determine how much fun you’re having.

Now, with #1 being said:

2. Remember that you’re paying to play (not the other way around) and you’re by far the guy on the ice, along with the guy standing between the pipes at the other end, who’s had to spend the most $$ for his gear and who’s presence is paramount to the game being fun for everyone. I mention all this to put into perspective that, ultimately, an extra goal or two against here and there at beer league doesn’t make much of a ripple in the time-space continuum, no matter how much it pisses you off. I’m willing to bet my house that there isn’t a single person on your team that holds you to a higher standard than you do yourself. I’m the same way, and that’s cool! Except that when it starts affecting your mental health, you need to take a step back and remind yourself why you’re doing all this in the first place.

3. Summer hockey is garbage. I’m playing in two summer leagues at the moment and the average number of goals scored per game in each league is probably around 15 (15! A 6-5 score is the equivalent of a goalie dual in these leagues!). In my experience, summer hockey is a very thin cut above shinny hockey: guys are there to get a skate, work on their « moves » and score goals. Nobody backchecks, nobody plays defence and goalies get hung out to dry (there are winter leagues like this as well, by the way…). How do I survive summer hockey without going crazy? I take the same mentality as the guys playing in front of me: I’m here to face as many shots/scoring chances as possible, and work on my technique. Win or loose, I pay absolutely zero attention to the final score, whether my team is up or down, etc. (oddly enough, that is also a key to success in big games: the less you look at the scoreboard, the better!). And then when my real winter season begins: lo and behold how easy it is to tend goal when forwards backcheck and defencemen can skate backwards and close gaps! Hahaha! 

4. I will echo what others have already said: I think a break could be beneficial in your case, though my feeling is you’ll start to miss playing after a few weeks (not a bad thing!); so canceling your winter season all together right now might be something you end up regretting. Ultimately, I think you have to come to a decision as to whether you want to be super competitive and continue to hold yourself to that high standard (even though your teammates likely don’t), or accept that you’re not playing pro, the guys in front of you are more focused on scoring goals than preventing them and, at the end of the day, everyone is there to blow off some steam, forget about work for a few hours, have some beers with the guys and hide from their wives

I wish you all the best. The life of the beer league goalie isn’t easy, but if it was everyone would be doing it! Have fun out there!

 

 

 

[IpaddyTECH]

1 hour ago, CPage said:

Hey @35RoloSmith41,

I will chime in here because I’ve been through a few of these low points myself. I will say first that I agree with everyone who has responded to your post so far. So maybe a few additional insights:

1. We PLAY hockey, i.e. it’s supposed to be fun! In my experience, there are indeed external factors that impact this but ultimately it is your own mindset/internal dialogue that will most determine how much fun you’re having.

Now, with #1 being said:

2. Remember that you’re paying to play (not the other way around) and you’re by far the guy on the ice, along with the guy standing between the pipes at the other end, who’s had to spend the most $$ for his gear and who’s presence is paramount to the game being fun for everyone. I mention all this to put into perspective that, ultimately, an extra goal or two against here and there at beer league doesn’t make much of a ripple in the time-space continuum, no matter how much it pisses you off. I’m willing to bet my house that there isn’t a single person on your team that holds you to a higher standard than you do yourself. I’m the same way, and that’s cool! Except that when it starts affecting your mental health, you need to take a step back and remind yourself why you’re doing all this in the first place.

3. Summer hockey is garbage. I’m playing in two summer leagues at the moment and the average number of goals scored per game in each league is probably around 15 (15! A 6-5 score is the equivalent of a goalie dual in these leagues!). In my experience, summer hockey is a very thin cut above shinny hockey: guys are there to get a skate, work on their « moves » and score goals. Nobody backchecks, nobody plays defence and goalies get hung out to dry (there are winter leagues like this as well, by the way…). How do I survive summer hockey without going crazy? I take the same mentality as the guys playing in front of me: I’m here to face as many shots/scoring chances as possible, and work on my technique. Win or loose, I pay absolutely zero attention to the final score, whether my team is up or down, etc. (oddly enough, that is also a key to success in big games: the less you look at the scoreboard, the better!). And then when my real winter season begins: lo and behold how easy it is to tend goal when forwards backcheck and defencemen can skate backwards and close gaps! Hahaha! 

4. I will echo what others have already said: I think a break could be beneficial in your case, though my feeling is you’ll start to miss playing after a few weeks (not a bad thing!); so canceling your winter season all together right now might be something you end up regretting. Ultimately, I think you have to come to a decision as to whether you want to be super competitive and continue to hold yourself to that high standard (even though your teammates likely don’t), or accept that you’re not playing pro, the guys in front of you are more focused on scoring goals than preventing them and, at the end of the day, everyone is there to blow off some steam, forget about work for a few hours, have some beers with the guys and hide from their wives

I wish you all the best. The life of the beer league goalie isn’t easy, but if it was everyone would be doing it! Have fun out there!

 

 

 

Really well said! I really appreciated your take on summer hockey too. Taking advantage to practice no caring about the score and working on techniques is something I'll be doing more of now.

[bildeer]

It has been said before so I won't go too in-depth, but If you're getting sick of it, stop playing for as long as you feel necessary. Back in my younger days when I would be on the ice 5-6 days a week for seven months straight (both practices and games) and by the end of the season I wouldn't even want to think about hockey for at least two to three months. I'd go find something else to do until the next season started. 

When I first started playing, I used to take goals against personally. Eventually realized (rather quickly) that it isn't productive to be upset about something that already happened and that you are better served identifying what happened and mitigating it. This is going to sound bad, but I really don't care about allowing goals. If it is something that I should have stopped (everything except a very good tip, rebound, or a 3-on-1), then I will address it. 

Do note that you will only feel as much pressure as you let yourself be subjected to. It is all perception and very much within your control. Some years ago I got thrown into a game against a nationally ranked ACHA div 1 team in a packed arena that I had absolutely no business playing against, or so I told myself leading up to that point. I reminded myself that I was just playing for fun and that it would be just like practice and played accordingly. While we weren't able to recover, as the damage had been done by the time I was put in, I was still able to hold my own against some of the league's top scorers (NCAA dropouts!) on some breakaways and odd-man rushes while only allowing two goals against. That is to say that if you perceive there to not be any pressure, then there will not be any for as long as you continue to believe it.

 

With all that having been said, men's league is a completely different beast, and you have everything ranging from guys that have no clue what they're doing to ex-professional and collegiate players who can skate circles around everyone with their eyes closed. This can make for some less than enjoyable goaltending experiences coupled with people who don't have the first clue about goaltending telling you how to do your job. If you think your teammates (peers) may be receptive to conversation to reach an understanding by you informing them of what you perceive and how it affects you, it may be wise to explore that. My men's league team isn't very good at scoring goals, and they're very aware of the fact that I am often the reason they aren't getting blown out playing against good teams, so I always let them know that I will do everything I can to put them in a position to succeed during the game and attempt to keep them in contention to win. Like most humans, I sometimes make mistakes that put us in precarious positions, but that just comes with playing the position, and every single one of them knows it too. All I can do is stop the next one.

[Fullright]

Just wanted to follow up since I was unable to do so when I first saw your post.

Few preliminaries. Are you injured and trying to play through it? Is something off ice such as a personal or family issue crowding your head space? Are you tired of your team and or teammates? If the answer to these is no, take a break. Dont rush it back. If you miss a season, so what? You'll find your way back.

I went through 2 episodes like what you describe. The first was trying to play through injury for 2 years and got cut. At the end of the 2 years, I hated the sport and our position. I felt the hatred way more than the pain from the injuries. But I got fixed surgically and took a year off and gradually worked my way back in. It took another year or so but I rediscovered my passion for the sport and our position. Note that I did so with a different group and team(s). The second episode happened after my last major injury. I got fixed and didnt play again or even watch the game again for 16 years. I felt betrayed by my body and our sport. Again, I was asked to skate and worked my way back into it again which is where I am now. I dont play on a team. I dont care how many shots beat me. I try my hardest but I reached a point emotionally/mentally where it doesnt matter anymore. I play now just to play. 

If you are having a mental health issue, seek help from a counselor or clergy who specializes in this type of help or just vent and ask for experiences here. We all have had them. You will find your way. Take the time you need and focus your attention on what makes you happy such as work, a hobby, or significant other. Our passion and the pressure we put on ourselves to stop everything can be overwhelming. Sometimes stepping away is the best remedy. Catch your breath and dont feel alone; you arent. 

[seagoal]

I had to take a break in my early 30s due to mental health reasons.  I can't say if that's right for you, but there is certainly no shame in doing so.  The important thing is, if you do take a break, put in the time and work to really understand the root causes of these negative thoughts and feelings.  We have a LOT of control over the way we feel and the way we think but like any skill, it's difficult to get good at and requires some work.  You have the ability to feel better and think better while playing, guaranteed.

Some of the things I developed as strategies towards feeling and thinking better -  positively -  while playing are:

-mantras: "Next shot, next save." "Stay present, stay calm." "Focus on fundamentals." "Good footwork, active hands, active stick."  "Cross that stick to the left when needed, keep it moving."

-learning the difference between good goals and bad goals, or, did I make a mistake?: goals happen, but not all goals are the same.  I had a goalie coach tell me once at a certain point in training that "I'd rather you let in a goal with the right save selection and right technique than make saves with the wrong selection and wrong technique."  Develop the discipline and commitment to good choices and good technique and stop stressing over goals, especially the good ones where no mistake was made.

-focus on what I CAN control and forget about what I CAN NOT control: goalies have no ability to control the refs, the ice conditions, the other team, our own team, the quality of hockey being played against us, the quality of hockey being played for us, number of shots, etc. Every single one of those things affect us, yes.  Every single one of those things can influence how we play or feel or think, but we can control NONE of them.  So, they should not cause stress.  I can control my gear, my positioning, my save selections, my choices, my rebounds, my reactions, my conditioning, how I think, how I feel, etc.  These are things I learned to focus on and spend energy on.  I look at the things I can NOT control, all that stuff in front of us, as a filter and whatever gets through the filter, I am responsible for.  If the filter is great, my night is easier. If the filter sucks, my night is difficult.  But that does not change one single thing about what I can control or not control and it does not change my responsibility as the goalie.

-accepting responsibility for the position: we might not be able to stop every shot, but we have a chance.  Even if one of us is thrown into an NHL game, we have a chance; it's not impossible to stop any shot because it depends on those things we can control in ourselves. For me, playing hockey is not "just having fun" or "playing the game I love." I am very competitive and very serious so it's important for me to play well and feel like I am improving without being a perfectionist or arrogant or losing my composure when failing or struggling. 

-learning to be a good teammate: when we are good teammates and/or friends with our team, guess what? They don't care as much about losing or bad goals of a high GAA, low SV%, etc.  You're their friend and it's enjoyable to play with you, win or lose.  Winning is more fun than losing, but losing is not horrible.  The advice above about "skaters don't care" is very good, they mostly don't.  We care a LOT just based on the nature of the position.   It's important for us to realize that what affects our teammates more than our play is our attitude and mood. 

Anyway, these are things I worked on in my time off and in therapy and within myself to enjoy playing again.  I hated myself for a while in my late 20s and early 30s when playing.  As a person I am very introverted and very prone to feeling embarrassed and judged and I would get completely overwhelmed and embarrassed when playing, throwing tantrums, having fits, it was not good.  I did a lot of work -  not to mention just got older and more stable generally - and eventually fell in love with the game all over again.  I even learned to laugh at myself when I made mistakes, laughed at the chirps I'd get, etc.  It got so much better just because I did the work.

Thank you for posting this @35RoloSmith41.  Tons of respect to you man for putting yourself out there like this with us. 

 

[seagoal]

@35RoloSmith41

More info related to this in here, if you're interested

 

[seagoal]

@35RoloSmith41

Hey, just wanted to share with you, I had a terrible game tonight: 7-6 Loss to one of our 2 rival teams in our division.  2 bad goals reesulting from 2 egregous mistakes I made, which always sting way worse when the game ends by a difference of only 1 goal.  

I let in the tieing goal at 5-5 and I had some negative thoughts creep in my mind: I'm going to have to apologize to my team for the Loss we get tonight, my teammates are thinking of replacing me, I just want this game to end, I'm not good enough to play in this division.....at the tieing goal at 5-5 after my 2 mistakes. It's the mistakes that get me man, not all the time, but when they do, they are like poison for my mind and my emotions. 

I eventually did, in the locker room, say "guys, 2 mistakes by me tonight that cost us, sorry boys, those are on me" and the response was: "uhh, no, we missed opportunities" and "we didn't notice any mistakes dude" and "don't beat yourself up, it's on all of us" and "goddamnit goalie! hahahahahaahhahah" .  Nobody. Cares.  Or at least, they are too damn polite to say they do care, haha. 

I did not go up to the bar for beers, which I am sorta ashamed of, but I was tired and kinda bummed and just wanted to go home.  Now, I'm having a beer and listening to a stand-up comedy special and laughing and having a good time. 

I think learning to embrace the responsibility and the weight of playing goalie goes a long way man.  We can NOT be perfect, on the ice, mentally, or emotionally,  But we can improve and we can build little strategic pieces of ways of dealing with stress and negative experiences that help us in the future. Every little bit counts.  Every little bit helps. 

Cheers, bro.