Missing the Fun

[ThatCarGuy]

As a forewarning, this thread will go deep into my mental state and playing career over the past few years.

Apologies in advanced, I've never been all that talkative so this is new to me. Before my final year of junior hockey eligibility begins, I'm undecided if I even want to continue going in this direction. The past few years have been an enormous mental and physical challenge with very little to show for it. After the 1.5 pointless years in Austin and then the ultimately meaningless time in Sweden and Illinois, I'm starting to come to the conclusion junior hockey just isn't for me. In fact I'm not sure if completive hockey in general is a good decision at this point in my life. As some of you may know, I've had to seek help several times over the past few years to come to terms with the mental toll that a career of my "uniqueness" has had on me. There have been multiple points in time where I posted every piece of equipment I own for sale but taken back down to continue playing at the request of my parents. Never once in the past 3 years have I been asked if I want to continue playing competitively nor have I had much say in whether I play at all. Even after being on a team where I played 5 games in 2 years, getting deported from my only chance of success, and ultimately being cheated out of my final chance at junior A by someone who has no idea how goalies work. Being told by a coach I'm not good enough or not playing well enough in practice when the team is half as fast as my previous team is immensely frustrating. It has rightfully pushed me to my mental limit several times but never once truly over. I'm not sure I'd be here today without my support group and the few of you I reached out to here and for that, thank you.

This has without question been the hardest year I've ever been through and if I'm still not having fun after a month of being on a team this season I'll either hang the skates up completely or play low level college hockey. In full seriousness I do not want to play junior hockey another year because nothing has come from it thus far for me. I am not sure where life will take me after the dust has settled but as long as I play I will remain active here. Ever since I returned from Sweden it felt as if I wasn't playing for myself anymore, it's felt more like I'm playing for my family as a way to justify the time and resources we've put into this. Every ice time and showcase has felt forced since I got back. I know my goal of playing in the AHL or even ECHL has been gone since leaving Sweden and for that reason I can't find a sufficient reason to continue down the path of junior hockey. Explaining this to my family and my advisor will be quite difficult but fingers crossed it goes smoothly. I have been continuing to receive help from my support group and therapist since my season ended in January which has at the very least kept me afloat.

I will try my best to keep this updated and refrain from any further posts from the heart. Thank you.

[Hockeygoalie111]

Sorry to hear about your struggles.  Hockey should be fun and something you look forward to doing.  At the end of the day, you have to do what YOU want to do.  It doesn't matter what others want you to do.  Take some time to reflect and make the decision that is best for YOU!   

[coopaloop1234]

So in no way is this a good comparison, I can at least share a bit of my own history with the game as something that may provide some food for thought. 

I grew up playing hockey but was pretty awful. I played D, was probably the weakest on my house level team, and continued with it a lot with the encouragement from my parents. It wasn't until I was 16 that I decided that I had not been having fun playing for years and that I was done with hockey. 

Queue 8 years later and I had the itch to play again but this time as a goalie. This was now 13 years ago and I've been thoroughly enjoying the last 13 years far more than the first 12. 

Moral of the story is that things change, and enjoyment of the game can change as we grow. Whether that means you drop the game entirely, go on hiatus for a bit, change focus for what you want out of hockey, or just keep on with what you're doing. At the end of the day, do what you think feels right and makes you happy. 

This is just a game after all and there's lots to life outside of hockey. 

Reading your story and OldSchoolGoalie's threads just leave me with the feeling that burn out is the primary cause of the loss of love and enthusiasm to when it comes to playing. 

I know for myself 2 ice times a week is the sweet spot where I don't feel mentally fatigued about playing and still get excited to come to the rink. If I consistently play more, the game starts to feel like a chore and I can immediately recognize that my heart isn't there. 

This actualization could be the beginning of you recognizing what you want more out of hockey and/or life and can be seen as a good thing. 

Keep your head up kid. 

Edited April 10 by coopaloop1234

[Wonder35]

Posts from the heart are a healthy release of pent up emotions. This board has loads of goaltenders representing a wide range of ages and talents. 

You have poured much of your young life into becoming a professional goaltender without much positive feedback or results.

Congratulations on speaking out and sharing your feelings.

I have no magic pill or life altering advice to deliver. But know that you are amongst friends here and there is very little expressed that any or many of us have encountered.

I realized very early that hockey would not support my lifestyle so sought out a fun and interesting career elsewhere. Somehow I fell into a situation where Shiftwork allowed me to play quite a bit of hockey without robbing me of precious family time.

I wish you well and hockey can still be a significant part of your life without having to depend upon it for an income.

[RichMan]

@ThatCarGuy Kudos for facing your inner demons for lack of better words. It's hard for a man to show his emotions, especially us old cats. Playing with obligation or guilt of others is not what you want. I'm happy that you managed to experience the level of hockey you have as many of us didn't get that chance. Quite a few of us had big dreams and whatever the path, it's never easy cause if it were, a lot of us would have played pro somewhere at some point.

I feel the stress trying to come up with big wins in competitive beer league, I can only imagine the demands at your level and beyond.

Many in the game have sought out support and even took a step back to recoup or reset and possibly stop altogether. Whatever you decide, you are in charge of your own well being and happiness.

A good bunch of us, as you already mentioned, are here to help and support. Don't ever feel like you're imposing and bothering someone.   

 

[Fullright]

Congrats on having the guts to share your thoughts and feelings. Our culture in particular, at least during my time, was "shut up, eat it and move on". An unenlightened approach. Very glad you shown trust here on a delicate issue with your peers here; at one time or another, we've all felt the weight of what your're describing at one time or another. 

At the level you're playing, coaches are going to say things to you which they think are to motivate you. In college, I shut out a U of Minn team and after the game, coach said in front of the team that I stunk the joint out. He didnt say it quite so politely; the language he used was much more humiliating and hurt me to my soul. I did my best to just let it go and carry on. I did think to myself, what does this guy want and why am I putting up with it? The point is to reassure you that you are not alone.

Try not to make a final decision at this point. Let your frustration/anger cool down some first. You do not want to look back down the road and play the "what if" thing with yourself. Try to think things through in a logical manner and go from there. I expect that being away from home in a foreign country is adding to or compounding your emotional well being. But do take advantage of your support system and confide in he/she/them and consider what they have to say.  You are obviously a very good goalie. If you were otherwise, you would have been cut or traded. Try to remember also that you're playing at a seriously high level so the expectations and culture is going to be different than a mens league culture. Dont rush yourself and try to find something that gives you peace while you assess your goals and the way in which you want to obtain them. 

We all got your back so dont stop yourself from venting here. No one here will think anything less of you.

Edited April 12 by Fullright

[UCLALabrat]

43 minutes ago, Fullright said:

Congrats on having the guts to share your thoughts and feelings. Our culture in particular, at least during my time, was "shut up, eat it and move on". An unenlightened approach. Very glad you shown trust here on a delicate issue with your peers here; at one time or another, we've all felt the weight of what your're describing at one time or another. 

At the level you're playing, coaches are going to say things to you which they think are to motivate you. In college, I shut out a U of Minn team and after the game, coach said in front of the team that I stunk the joint out. He didnt say it quite so politely; the language he used was much more humiliating and hurt me to my soul. I did my best to just let it go and carry on. I did think to myself, what does this guy want and why am I putting up with it? The point is to reassure you that you are not alone.

Try not to make a final decision at this point. Let your frustration/anger cool down some first. You do not want to look back down the road and play the "what if" thing with yourself. Try to think things through in a logical manner and go from there. I expect that being away from home in a foreign country is adding to or compounding your emotional well being. But do take advantage of your support system and confide in he/she/them and consider what they have to say.  You are obviously a very good goalie. If you were otherwise, you would have been cut or traded. Try to remember also that you're playing at a seriously high level so the expectations and culture is going to be different than a mens league culture. Dont rush yourself and try to find something that gives you peace while you assess your goals and the way in which you want to obtain them. 

We all got your back so dont stop yourself from venting here. No one here will think anything less of you.

Dude...maybe I'm more spiteful than most but I don't care if I was playing against a pee-wee team...if I put up a goose egg and the coach tried to humiliate my performance id straight laugh in his fucking face.

 

You literally played perfect. Doesn't matter the competition (although in this case it sounds like you were lights out), any coach spouting that bullshit just undermines their own credibility.

[Fullright]

I wanted to punch his lights out but this is back in the 82-83 season. And the fact is that if you have aspirations, you just have to eat it sometimes. Being from that time, I've seen worse than how coach humiliated me.  @ThatCarGuy, has it worse than I did; he's overseas. 

[Chenner29]

On 4/10/2024 at 2:04 PM, ThatCarGuy said:

As a forewarning, this thread will go deep into my mental state and playing career over the past few years.

Apologies in advanced, I've never been all that talkative so this is new to me. Before my final year of junior hockey eligibility begins, I'm undecided if I even want to continue going in this direction. The past few years have been an enormous mental and physical challenge with very little to show for it. After the 1.5 pointless years in Austin and then the ultimately meaningless time in Sweden and Illinois, I'm starting to come to the conclusion junior hockey just isn't for me. In fact I'm not sure if completive hockey in general is a good decision at this point in my life. As some of you may know, I've had to seek help several times over the past few years to come to terms with the mental toll that a career of my "uniqueness" has had on me. There have been multiple points in time where I posted every piece of equipment I own for sale but taken back down to continue playing at the request of my parents. Never once in the past 3 years have I been asked if I want to continue playing competitively nor have I had much say in whether I play at all. Even after being on a team where I played 5 games in 2 years, getting deported from my only chance of success, and ultimately being cheated out of my final chance at junior A by someone who has no idea how goalies work. Being told by a coach I'm not good enough or not playing well enough in practice when the team is half as fast as my previous team is immensely frustrating. It has rightfully pushed me to my mental limit several times but never once truly over. I'm not sure I'd be here today without my support group and the few of you I reached out to here and for that, thank you.

This has without question been the hardest year I've ever been through and if I'm still not having fun after a month of being on a team this season I'll either hang the skates up completely or play low level college hockey. In full seriousness I do not want to play junior hockey another year because nothing has come from it thus far for me. I am not sure where life will take me after the dust has settled but as long as I play I will remain active here. Ever since I returned from Sweden it felt as if I wasn't playing for myself anymore, it's felt more like I'm playing for my family as a way to justify the time and resources we've put into this. Every ice time and showcase has felt forced since I got back. I know my goal of playing in the AHL or even ECHL has been gone since leaving Sweden and for that reason I can't find a sufficient reason to continue down the path of junior hockey. Explaining this to my family and my advisor will be quite difficult but fingers crossed it goes smoothly. I have been continuing to receive help from my support group and therapist since my season ended in January which has at the very least kept me afloat.

I will try my best to keep this updated and refrain from any further posts from the heart. Thank you.

Hey man,

I'm not too good at this sentimental stuff (ask my wife) - but I'll try my best and you can let me know how I did.

First of all, I think it's important to applaud the guts you've shown by putting this out there.  I think as a culture we've gotten a lot better about mental health, and I think it's terrific you have the comfort level with this board as a collective group to share what you are going through.
To comment on your last statement - please do not stop sharing unless you feel you need to stop, or if you're not getting anything out of it.  This stuff is healthy.

Second, I remember seeing some of your first posts on the board and thinking "goddamn, another kid."  While we've been typing at one another across the internet for the past 7 or 8 years, gauging by your internet persona it seems to me you've become a really solid dude with a genuine intent to share good information and help people along. 
Don't lose sight of that, it will get you far in life.

Third, I can relate to your hockey journey - at my lowest point, I was benched for most of my last eligible year of junior, then cut right before playoffs.  I moved on to play super low division ACHA with a terrible college team and put a lot of our losses on myself - "I should be better because I've had formal goalie coaching" etc etc was a thought that always ran through my head. 

Point being - it's easy to recount the lows and the failures, but I think what's more important is that you focus on what you did learn during your playing career.  As I've moved in my professional life from a sales person to a manager, I have found a couple things in sports (and goalie-ing) that translate extremely well to the professional world:

• Ability to work collaboratively with a team
• Ability to work independently with your own functions while contributing to the team
• Ability to take coaching and development conversations seriously
• Working through adversity, ability to grind out work
• Breaking down complex ideas into more palatable bites
• Discipline and being able to keep yourself on track
• Saying the right things at the right times
• Attention to detail
• Overall drive and intensity.
• For goalies in particular, I think high level achievers are uniquely calibrated to self-assess and constantly seek and pursue methods of self-improvement.
• Also for goalies in particular (especially the gear-interested ones) seem to have a higher level of technical curiosity (ie. they want to learn why things work a certain way), they will learn it and be able to explain it back.

I have so many stories of folks we've hired that have not been able to put any of those skills above together for a consistent period of time (or at all...I've got some insane true stories).

So while it's very clear to me you've been given a raw deal with your current situation, I encourage you to keep your head up.  To play a high level of hockey, you've developed a lot of very important intangibles that will stand out when you move into civilian life.

[Lucky Pucker]

8 minutes ago, Chenner29 said:

it seems to me you've become a really solid dude with a genuine intent to share good information and help people along. 
Don't lose sight of that, it will get you far in life.

 

A great post by @Chenner29, but I wanted to emphasize the part above, as I absolutely agree. You’re a real one, @ThatCarGuy - and you are appreciated here, brother!

[Fullright]

@Chenner29:

....So while it's very clear to me you've been given a raw deal with your current situation, I encourage you to keep your head up.  To play a high level of hockey, you've developed a lot of very important intangibles that will stand out when you move into civilian life.

Absolutely brilliant! 

@ThatCarGuy: Hang onto this....the endurance you are developing internally will help you the rest of your life.

 

[mik]

I can´t help you in terms of "what should you do with your hoceky career", as I never played hockey on any high level. I started playing goalie late and never played organized hockey before. I am old in your point of view and play low level compared to yours, hoping just to play as long as I can. So absolutely not the level of goaltending you are.   

From my youth, my main sport was handball. I took it seriously, but quite early, in my 20s, it was obvious, I will never reach the level of play that is necessary to move to the elite rank, no matter how hard I pracitce. My team played usually second national legaue, but for the most of time, I was not the player who could carry team to the wins. Despite I was at captain position for some time. But I enjoyed the game and everything around, realy liked the sport. After years started toughts about retirement, some seasons vere quite good some realy bad (mostly when I was injured or healty scratrch due the performance). When I become one of the old players in team (this means you reached about 30), I had deal with coaches / team manager, that summer break is time to think about comming back for another season or not. When I was back, it was for full season. And inevitably, I get to the poin where  I didn´t want do continue. I was 34, played more than 15 seasons in mens team and still it was tough decision. Missed the game for first season off, but I knew it was right move to retire. I remember all  those years as great time, but never played that sport again, usually I don´t even watch it (maybe once I went to watch my former team live at stadium). I must admit that I enjoy my low level of hockey more than my last seasons in competitive sport. Should I have finished earlier? That´s what if...      

What I am trying to say, when you are down and feel like it doesn´t make sense to continue, better to take some time off, do other things and clear your mind. Then decide what to do. And then, decide what YOU want to do and be sure about it, not coaches, parents or teammates. You have the great advantage in making that decision, if wife, children and daily work are not involved to the decision...yet .

Edited April 15 by mik

[ThatCarGuy]

Thank you all for the responses and support. As it stands now I'm shifting focus towards college but going to continue playing there. Unless some unreasonable opportunity comes up in juniors (a free season with a team) I'll be doing college this upcoming season. Hoping to play for A&M even though it's local and their hockey program is ok

[Fullright]

Keep us updated please. 

[MTH]

Haven't been on in a bit. Sorry for late response.

You youngins get a lot of empty promises by showcases, tournaments, camps, etc. My kids get tons of emails and calls by these places. They talk a good game, sell you on a dream, and leave you with a lot less money and feeling almost forgotten in the end. It's shitty. They lie. Sounds like you're getting this treatment heavily.

Hate to say it - it's hard to come to the realization that your sports career can only go this far. 

I did it with baseball myself. D1 to D3 to whatever. I played into my 40s still. All great memories.

You can work as hard as you can but in the end, the guys who advance are absolute freak shows in talent and size and a ton of luck. Not catching that ride isn't a bad thing.

You've had some killer experiences with hockey. Sure the game play or coaching sucked (most times they do regardless) - but whatever. You got to do more than most others have. You may think you're living a crappy time - but there are hundreds of other people who wish they did a fraction of what you did. 

Be proud of what you've done and where you've been. Don't stop playing. Go wherever you can go and do it proudly. 

99% of guys playing adult league would have given their left nut to play any type of college hockey. Let alone the Juniors teams you been a part of.

Like Chenner said, you are gaining more life skills than you can imagine. Not to mention that you will also have stories that every other dad will ENVY forever. You'll see.

Nobody sees what they have while they're in the thick of it. You're 100% normal in thinking how you are now. 

Us older guys will tell you that you're doing it perfectly. Trust us, you'll look back in time and really appreciate how awesome this is.

 

[IpaddyTECH]

Wow what a great post Thecarguy, thanks for sharing your struggle. As others have said, that does take kahones (although it's sad that it's more rare to be real with others). I'm sorry for what you're going through. There's so much good that has been said by others here already, I can hardly hope to add anything. But as a goalie who occasionally midnights as a mental health therapist I will add this much: 

There really is a lot of truth to really knowing yourself, and knowing what YOU want, not what others want you to do. If you want to respect others' wishes somewhat while being true to yourself that's great, but if you're only doing something for others, it won't last and it won't be authentic or blessed by your true passion and commitment. I'd recommend setting aside a little time to really think this through. Spend a day or a weekend away from others and get to know yourself on a deeper level. See if you can even write out what's important to you, your values, your goals, your hopes, and even your limits (pretending you don't have any won't help, despite what Hollywood says). This could go either way. You may find yourself recommitting to hockey with a new vigour, doing it for your own reasons this time, or, you may find yourself letting go, and finding peace and hope in starting a new chapter in life. It's completely your choice. Make the choice that brings you life, hope, and peace. Good luck my friend, and thanks for all your posts on warrior gear that I'm always so interested in!

 

Edited April 17 by IpaddyTECH

[BadAngle41]

@ThatCarGuy Thank you for sharing everything. To echo what @Chenner29 and others have said... no time chasing your dream is wasted. I've always tried to have a Win or Learn mindset. To that you've probably learned more about yourself... what you're capable of doing... and what you're capable of dealing with than A LOT of people ever will. Of course, none of that changes your situation with junior teams in the immediate, but it will serve you well in life moving forward. Keep in mind too that having the opportunity to pivot into college is quite frankly an option that some of your juniors teammates may not have either from a grades or resources standpoint. Making hockey a part of your life and not all of it may reinvigorate your love of playing... or on the flip side... direct you to find something else that you can pour all of that passion into. Best of luck at A&M regardless of what happens on the ice.

[BadAngle41]

On 4/12/2024 at 12:20 PM, UCLALabrat said:

Dude...maybe I'm more spiteful than most but I don't care if I was playing against a pee-wee team...if I put up a goose egg and the coach tried to humiliate my performance id straight laugh in his fucking face.

You literally played perfect. Doesn't matter the competition (although in this case it sounds like you were lights out), any coach spouting that bullshit just undermines their own credibility.

Not to detract from this topic... but the final score isn't a reflection of how well a goalie played. I can say from personal experience that I've had shutouts where I've played awful... and let in 5 but played incredible. Speaking whatever comes into your mind (or in this case laughing in a coach's face) isn't a sign of strength, nor does it give you any credibility with your coach or teammates. By no means am I saying there aren't insane coaches out there who don't know what they're talking about... but I can't think of a situation that would be made better with the reaction you described.